Giraffe Curry


1 medium sized giraffe (cleaned and boned and cut into 2inch Cubes)
438 onions (diced)
127 Cordomom pods
43 bulbs of garlic
2 pints of cumin
2 pints of garam masala
74 jalapeno chilis
250 cans of plum peeled tomatos
2kg of raw cane sugar
the juice of a medium sized lemon grove
12 gallons (imperial) Clarified Butter
Half a field of Corriander (finely chopped)
1 Bay leaf


Take one giraffe ,preferably at night and after the lions have fed or when the zoo security dood goes for his coffee break.
You will need a pan large enuff to cook this recipe .. i found an old steel hulled salvage barge worked perfectly.
You will also need a forklift truck (kept in reserve)


place the barge on steel piles and light a fire under it
place the clarified butter in the barge and heat it up ready for the onions
Add the onions and garlic using the forklift truck you kept in reserve
Using a very large spoon, keep the onions and garlic moving and fry until the onions are softened and opaque
Add the giraffe meat and pay off the crane driver as you won't be needing him for the rest of the recipe
add in all the spices and the chillis (you might need a couple of friends to help) and fry, moving continuously until the meat is starting to brown
add the rest of the ingredients and blend together in the barge with the big wooden spoon
bring to slow boil and simmer for 3 days.
Season to Taste (you might consider using a shovel for this)

Serve with rice

Pea Whack (Lancashire split-pea and ham soup)

get yerself a big ham hock (the joint between the tibia/fibula and the metatarsals of the foot) place a quartered onion, a teaspoon of crushed black peppercorns, a bayleaf and 100ml of good cider vinegar in a big pan of water .. ennuff water so it covers the ham hock ... bring it to boil.. when it's boiling add the ham hock

put a lid on it ... bring it back to boil then turn it down so it's just a gentle rolling (this does 2 things.. it cooks the meat and imparts flavour to the meat)

after 1 hour add enuff water to make up about 3 litres (if the hock is still submerged then you probably have enuff) add a roughly chopped onion ,about half a bulb of garlic cloves crushed and chopped, a cupful of yellow split peas, a cupful of lentils, 3 sticks of roughly chopped celery, 1lb of roughly chopped carrots

bring it all back to the boil .. stick the lid on and simmer on as low a heat as ya can get for about 1 hourallow to cool and then stick it in yer fridge overnight

next day stick the pan back on the heat ... add in a couple of pounds of peeled and quartered potatoes and do the same gentle simmering for another hour.. mebbe more.. depends on how much liquid ya got .. 3 litres would be perfect.. what you end up with is a thick creamy soup ... take out the hock and use a fork to scrape all the meat back into the soup .. lose the bone .. serve up the soup with big chunks of bread with doorslabs of butter on em

Things to check!!

make sure it is seasoned enuff at the end of cooking ... the ham hock may be pre salted by your supplier in which case no salt is needed (trust me on this) .. but if it ain't pre salted you'll have to add about a teaspoon of salt at the start of cookin .. and then check the seasoning at the end of cooking to see if it needs more.. use yer tongue innit.

pepper .. well.. i said 1 teaspoon of black peppercorns .. but the truth is i kinda like it peppery so i use about a tablespoon... try it as per the recipe .. add pepper at the end if you want it

low heat is the key here.. too much heat and the peas and lentils will burn on the bottom.

Good Luck and Enjoy ~8)